SORRY? SORRY FOR WHAT?

     I think it's hilarious how many "friends", or even better, "acquaintances" I have that have totally either screwed me over, hung me out to dry, or threw me under the bus, but assume that I've forgotten or that all is forgiven, just because some time has passed. 

 Um, no assholes' I haven't forgotten, nor will I, and by the way, fuck you very much because I don't even get so much as an apology for your ill behavior. Now I will have to admit that I am a forgiving person, but that's not to say that an apology isn't expected. An apology is my validation. To ignore, or not apologize is to basically say "fuck you" to me, meanwhile, you're the one that's trying to  reconnect with me, not the other way around.

    Now, I am by no means claiming to be a perfect friend, but I know when I fuck up, and have no problems with owning up to it, and apologizing for it, and  somehow making it right again. This is what should be done. You say "I'm sorry", you admit you were wrong, and then you do whatever you have to do to make nice. What I don't understand is why the hell that's so difficult. 

     I remember I was sitting in a waiting room one day, and there was this completely adorable little girl, approximately 4, and she was just having a ball playing pretend while her mother sat reading an old Ladies Home Journal. The little girl came towards me and knocked over my purse and peered up at me all giggles. I looked to her mother, who wasn't paying any attention at all. I'm guessing that article must have been very important. So I of course looked to the little girl as I picked up my belongings and said "That wasn't very nice. We don't push people's things like that because it could hurt someone's feelings or you might break something. Do you wanna hurt my feelings, and what if you had broken something very important?" No response at all, completely blank stare. "We should say we're sorry when we make a mistake, can you say I'm sorry?" Nope, she wasn't doing it, she looked down grimacing, as if to say "Oh my God, how dare you ask me to say such a thing!". I tried multiple times to get the little girl to say sorry for intentionally dumping over my belongings only to realize that this was obviously not something that was customary to her, and her mother's total disregard for her daughter's actions only confirmed my assumptions.
     This is what I see everyday. Apathy. It is disappointing to know that this is what the world is becoming. Why can't we just say we're sorry? I'm sorry that you don't know how to say you're sorry. It must appear to some as a sign of weakness. If they say they're sorry, they are admitting they're loss or something. 

     Well guess what people? An apology is nothing more than a written or spoken expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another. It should be just as easy for someone to apologize as it is to say please and thank you. It should be a core value that we instill in our young people so that they become valuable assets to society. 
     Well now comes the time when I suck it up and accept that I will never receive these apologies that I feel I'm owed. I don't need them by any means to feel better, it's not that, I'm just hoping that maybe humanity and decency smack them in the face. I just want the world to be a better place. It would be great if everyone set out to be a better version of themselves everyday, and being mature enough to apologize for anything is a start. 

UNREQUITED LOVE.....

     The First Situation: I'm in love with Mr. A. I fell fast, and I fell hard. The passion between us was so electric you could just about see the sparks jumping from our bodies when we got close to each other. I have never felt more passion for a man. I thought that passion would make us indestructable. Instead, I'm licking my wounds, as he prances around town hunting for his next chew toy.
     Am I really still that naive? Do I have a sign on me somewhere that says "Fuck me everyway possible"? I can't believe that I've been completely conned by someone. And I still go to bed and wake up thinking and wishing for him. I long to hear his voice, see his face, feel his skin and breath.
     The Second Situation: Mr. B. fell in love with me, even though he knew that I was still in love with Mr. A. I hate that someone is feeling the feelings I feel. Lost, lonely and unloved. How I get myself in these most difficult and delicate situations, I don't know, and I only wish I had a clue as to how to alleviate, or avoid them all together.
     Mr. A. is still in my heart. I bet I'm barely a beat in his.....

   

I'm beginning to think it's me....

I just don't know what to think anymore. I know that I'm smart. I know that I'm moderately attractive. I know that I've got a great personality, and that I'm fun to be around. I know that I'm an honest and caring person. I know I'd make a good wife, to the right man. These things I know...
What I don't know is why I have such an overwhelming propensity for either heart-wrenching, soul-crushing  "love" affairs with men who turn out to be complete liars and totally unavailable emotionally, or relationships where I feel imprisoned by my partner's insecurities and smothered by their "love" which is completely unrequited.
It's been about twenty years since my "first love", so I've had plenty of relationship experience.
You would think that I would know by now what was best for me, and what to steer clear of...
You would think....
Why is there no happy medium. Why do I feel like I need to drop my expectations if I ever want a chance at marriage. I don't want perfection. I don't need perfection. I just want someone to love me the way that I love them. I expect that my man should respect me, and not treat me like an object or possession. I expect that my man wouldn't lie to me or betray me, because that's not what you do to someone you love. Are these unreachable, unreasonable demands? Am I just completely ridiculous in my belief in a relationship actually being a partnership. A well-oiled, well loved motor. Or like two gears on a clock, working together, matching the push and pull of life's unknown trials and tribulations.
I'm sad to admit that I suffered from "The Cinderella Complex" in my youth, as do most young women. I so wanted to believe that I would run into a handsome gentleman with a heart of gold, and we would fall madly in love, get married and he would honor and respect me forever.
My early education to the contrary may have been a blessing in the long run, but it definitely has felt like an undue curse. I compare my chances of  "happily ever after" to my chances of winning the Lotto, which I don't even play....
So it must just be me, right? I must be incapable of attracting my perfect match. My wiring has a glitch, and my picker is broken. Yes, I just said my picker was broken. I have to give credit to the observer of that fact, to my dear friend Peggy, whose wise words struck a chord deep in my soul, and get referenced audaciously and with great pride.....
I may never meet my Mr. Right, but I know one thing, I've known a lot of someone else's. Good luck single ladies, and do as they did in Roman times. Don't be the slaves, be the lions. ;-)

ONLY IN AMERICA!!

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.


2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.



3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.



4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.



5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.



6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.



7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.



8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.



9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.



10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.



I saw this on another website, and thought it was funny, and true!

STUPID GIRL

I recall a time in my childhood when even the wildest of dreams was a possibility and , and I just knew that mine would someday come true. I would find my "Prince Charming" and fall madly in love and "live happily ever after". I read all of my Disney childrens' books religiously, hoping, and wishing that my love would somehow, someway, find and rescue me, making all of my hopes and dreams a reality. This is an epidemic ideal that is just ludicrous but completely common among little girls all over the world.

It's unfortunate that such unrealistic views are introduced  to us while we are so impressionable, and with our parents' help no less, as they are the one's who introduce us to these ridiculous ideas, only for the pitiful truth to rain on our "love parade" and crush our dreams to bits.

I, being the hopeless romantic, didn't let this reality hold me back. I survived each heart-break with deeper and deeper wounds, but pushed onward, believing, even after the most traumatic loss,  that my true love was out there, and I would only be able to find him if I held true to the cause.

Well, I've now come to the conclusion that it's a lost cause, and that I only needed to love myself, because the love from another is mostly fleeting, and conditional, whereas if you truly love yourself, the desire for a man's love is insignificant.

LETTER TO FRED...

1.
God how i miss your smiling face...
It's been two months since I found out. That was definitely one of the worst days of my life... Our times together were so few, but so truly wonderful, that I don't know if I could ever try and top them with another person. We never really got to experience a "real" relationship because of our circumstances, but there was no question in my mind that you and I truly and whole-heartedly loved one another. How lucky am I to have known that feeling. And how dreadful that I have to live the rest of my life without you. I know you will always be with me, I can almost feel you at times, touching my face, holding my hand, and letting me know that everything will be o.k. My skin tingles, and I can't help but smile brightly, whispering "I know" to myself as I go on about my day.

I sometimes think about what might have been, had I made some different choices, or if you hadn't gotten so ill. Would we have made it, or would we have allowed circumstances to separate us, like we did while you were alive. We had so much keeping us apart, that I barely allowed myself the thought of how it could be, and now I have nothing but time to think about the possibilities.

I love you....forever and ever....and I can't wait for our forever to be together....

WHO AM I?

I am perfectly flawed.
I am emotionally scarred.
I am my own worst enemy.
I am lonely.
I am afflicted by sadness.
I am terrified by rejection.
I am terrified of failure.
I am needy.
I am a target.
I am hurt.
I am unsatisfied.
I am incomplete.
I am slowly dying.
I am...i am human....