I'm feeling sadder and sadder everyday it seems, thinking about the past, and all the choices I didn't make that I wish I had....
My baby girl is going to turn four on March 15. This will be the second year I've been without her.....
I'm at a loss.....
I miss her so badly. I just want to hear her sweet voice. See her sweet face, with her bright blue eyes and heart-melting smile. The sound of her laugh could make the world a more peaceful place. I took all of those things for granted. I thought I'd have her forever. I was a fool. I lost control. I lost it all....
I have tried so hard to get back on track and get my life together so I could at least see her....but her father pretty much harbored her from me, and has now kidnapped her across state lines to keep me from her. I never would've thought that he could do something so unforgivable. But then again, I never thought he would do any of the horrible things that he did to me.
The idea of her father and his family being the only influence in my daughter's life terrifies me. What is my daughter seeing, hearing, and doing? Is she happy? Does she miss and want her mommy? Her mommy sure misses her...more than anything. Her mommy wants her to come home to her and her big brother Donovan, and all of her family here. Her mommy wants her to know that she's sorry for everything, and wishes there was something she could do to make it right.
If I could only make it right.....
How do I make it right?????
March 15, 20011
You are four today.... Four years ago you were merely a twinkle in my eye. You were born on "The Ides Of March", the day made famous by William Shakespeare in "Julius Caesar", an epic tale of the man who gave birth to the Roman Empire and then made it his life's work to bring it ultimate greatness and glory, only to be betrayed by those closest to him. The similarities of this tale, and the tribulations of my own life leave such eery implications...
But alas, my most treasured gift, I dare not allow such a stormy cloud to dim your brilliant light, which shines even brighter than the sun. Each and every beam of loveliness beckoning a much deserved adoration. Your presence in this world is such a heavenly gift, one could only compare it to the worlds' greatest of wonders, both rare and breathtaking.
I'm so thankful to have been a part in your creation, and my only wish is that you grow into a happy, healthy, honest human being. I pray for you to have the knowledge and wisdom to make better choices in your adulthood than I did in mine, and hope that you accept and love yourself, as I and everyone around you do so much.
I love you with my whole heart, Gabriella, and I know this world has great things waiting for you, and that you will bring great things to this world. Happy Birthday my beloved little angel, my princess, my butterfly, my daughter.
March 29, 2011
Well, I've called and left messages with your father multiple times and he won't call, or text anything back, so lord knows how long it will be before I hear your sweet voice again. God I miss you Gabby. How I long for the chance to go back in time, to the time I screwed up and let him take you. I never would've done it had I known he would do this to us.
I only thought it best for you to be in a more stable, secure environment, and I just couldn't provide that to you at the time. And it seems that your father hasn't been much more successful. I was looking at pictures and came across some of me and your cousin Alexis and brother Donovan when we took a trip to Pennsylvania with your dad. I had just found out that I was pregnant with you and was so ecstatic about it, but their was already big problems with your father and I. I was hopeful though, that all would end well, after we swallowed the fact that we were bringing another child into the world. I didn't know that I would have to go through hell to try and do right by you. I'm sorry Gabby, for not seeing that what was best for you wasn't staying with your father.
You deserve the best that life has to offer, and I only wish I could be a part of it. I hate thinking about all of the time that we're missing, and as much as I hate to admit it, I know that it's all my fault. I should've fought more for you, I should've done anything I had to to get you back. I just never thought that your dad would be so unfair, even though his track record speaks for itself.
He shouldn't punish you and deny you when he knows there is really no reason for it. He is doing something that can never be taken back, or forgiven, as far as I'm concerned. I only pray that some of the damage can be fixed, maybe even forgotten.
I love you Gabriella, like flowers love the sun. I'll never give up till this wrong is undone....
April 5, 2011
Well your cousin Ash posted another cute pic of you on her facebook.....and I'm still just waiting to be aloud to even hear your voice....
I love you Gabriella, I love you every day and miss you more than you could ever know. All I want is to be a mom to my babies, and I just don't know how to get there anymore....
