STUPID GIRL

I recall a time in my childhood when even the wildest of dreams was a possibility and , and I just knew that mine would someday come true. I would find my "Prince Charming" and fall madly in love and "live happily ever after". I read all of my Disney childrens' books religiously, hoping, and wishing that my love would somehow, someway, find and rescue me, making all of my hopes and dreams a reality. This is an epidemic ideal that is just ludicrous but completely common among little girls all over the world.

It's unfortunate that such unrealistic views are introduced  to us while we are so impressionable, and with our parents' help no less, as they are the one's who introduce us to these ridiculous ideas, only for the pitiful truth to rain on our "love parade" and crush our dreams to bits.

I, being the hopeless romantic, didn't let this reality hold me back. I survived each heart-break with deeper and deeper wounds, but pushed onward, believing, even after the most traumatic loss,  that my true love was out there, and I would only be able to find him if I held true to the cause.

Well, I've now come to the conclusion that it's a lost cause, and that I only needed to love myself, because the love from another is mostly fleeting, and conditional, whereas if you truly love yourself, the desire for a man's love is insignificant.

LETTER TO FRED...

1.
God how i miss your smiling face...
It's been two months since I found out. That was definitely one of the worst days of my life... Our times together were so few, but so truly wonderful, that I don't know if I could ever try and top them with another person. We never really got to experience a "real" relationship because of our circumstances, but there was no question in my mind that you and I truly and whole-heartedly loved one another. How lucky am I to have known that feeling. And how dreadful that I have to live the rest of my life without you. I know you will always be with me, I can almost feel you at times, touching my face, holding my hand, and letting me know that everything will be o.k. My skin tingles, and I can't help but smile brightly, whispering "I know" to myself as I go on about my day.

I sometimes think about what might have been, had I made some different choices, or if you hadn't gotten so ill. Would we have made it, or would we have allowed circumstances to separate us, like we did while you were alive. We had so much keeping us apart, that I barely allowed myself the thought of how it could be, and now I have nothing but time to think about the possibilities.

I love you....forever and ever....and I can't wait for our forever to be together....